Act III

In the past, I have prided myself on how quickly I adapt to change. In fact, I enjoy it. I’m not the kind of person who can sit still for a long time, or continue doing the same thing over and over again. I need VARIETY.
But I’ve been discovering recently that change is something I do NOT want to deal with.
So, here’s the deal.
If I could have three catchphrases of my own, they’d probably be: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” “This, too, shall pass,” and “Don’t cross that bridge ‘till you come to it!”
What you could take out of this is that one, I like to push myself, two, I know that if I just wait long enough, everything will fall into place, and three, I’m REALLY bad at looking ahead into the future.
In some aspects, this is a good thing. I DON’T want to try and plan out my entire life and then fall short of the standards I set and live as a depressed old lady. And I DON’T want to constantly be freaked out about what tomorrow might bring. (“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34) But I DO want to be prepared! And right now, I don’t feel prepared at all!
The problem is that in two weeks (UGH!) school starts. First of all, there are a lot of things that are going to be different at my school this year. You have to understand that I go to a (relatively) small private school. It’s hard to be in high school there and not know everyone else in the high school. But more importantly, the teachers know everyone, and genuinely CARE. Sadly, it seems that many of the teachers won’t be returning this year. Since it’s my senior year, this makes me really sad. I want my last year of school there to be like my other years (in general). I want to remember the school I knew and loved when I leave; I don’t want to have to get used to the changes. Then it wouldn’t be MY school.
Also, there’s the problem of my being a senior. Yeah, I’ll have cool privileges and, yeah, people look up to the seniors, but that’s so small in comparison to the fact that at the end of next school year, I’ll be leaving!!!
I’ll have to leave my friends and the grounds that I’ve loved and been learning on for the past five years. I’m leaving the schedule I’ve lived from August till May of wake up, eat in my kitchen, drive to school, hug my friends, go to classes that have already been picked out for me, eat in the cafeteria, more classes, go ride, do something crazy, sleep. I’ll be leaving my family, my church (my other family!), my barn (my third family!). I’m building up these relationships just to leave them in a year. I will have to worry about supporting myself. I won’t come home at the end of each day and collapse into my bed in my room that I’ve lived in my entire life. I’ll miss parts of my sister’s growing up. I’m leaving the security of the education that was already mapped out for me; I’ll have to try and figure out what to map out for myself!
I don’t even know what my schedule is for this year yet!
Plus, I’m going to miss last year’s seniors who are about to leave! It’s like a little preview of the suckiness that’s going to happen once next year rolls around! School and church will NOT be the same without them. Some of my very FAVORITE people are leaving, and thinking about this actually makes me tear up.
In short, right now I just want to collapse on the ground and throw a giant temper tantrum. “I don’t WANNA grow up! You CAN’T make me!”
But that would do nothing, except possibly make me look more ridiculous than I already am.
I wish I would have prepared myself more. Counting down the days until I graduate will be torturous. I don’t want to waste ANY of my time this year.
Change and I aren’t getting along so well right now.